yes it is NOT a right!!i discovered that a few days ago while i was watching Dr.Phil just the other day.the situation was of this man who had cheated on his wife with a barmaid and he was not understanding why the wife just 'wont let go'.he dint understand why years later she still was not comfortable with him going to that bar where by the way the barmaid still worked.as i sat there i couldn't believe this man,how insensitive?what nerve he has?he was the offender,what right has he?those and many other thoughts went through my head.afterward as i was arguing this out in my head(as usual) it struck me that me, you and i are no different from that man in the show.here is why...
we make a mistake with people and ask for forgiveness.when they don't forgive, we question and wonder why they just don't give in, i mean we've said we are sorry?.on the other hand if they take too long we think they are holding a grudge and of how that won't even help them.when we ask for forgiveness we expect an immediate return, after all have we not been humble enough to even ask for it?truth is we end up asking and expecting forgiveness on our own terms,expecting and giving the forgiver standards as to how, when and what to do while forgiving us.we do it but we don't realize it.
the thing is when we are asking for forgiveness we are the offenders.whoever was offended was hurt,they were not happy,and had some negative feelings evoked.how they felt is not dictated by us,they have a right to feel the way they feel,there is no wrong or right feeling just wrong reactions.before we wonder why these people are not responding as we would like,lets remember to give them space to make the decision to be merciful,to find grace in their hearts to forgive us.let us be patient and understanding with those we seek forgiveness from because for us to ask for forgiveness we have done something.it is not your right to be forgiven but an extension of grace and mercy towards you by the person who is forgiving.
however it would not be fair to end this article without mentioning what the good book says "do not let the sun go down on your anger" and also the Lord's prayer "...forgive us our sins as we forgive those who trespass against us".point being, do not quote this piece as a defense for not forgiving because the bible is clear that we should forgive.all i am saying is when we ask for forgiveness, let us remember it is really about getting to correct something,understanding someone else and how they felt.it is about us enabling the people who hurt us to understand why we felt the way we did.it is not about you getting it,it is about you having done the right thing and asked for it as you await for a response.well,i am learning to put that in practice, even with my impatience and quickness of heart- i easily forgive so i don't usually get when someone is taking long to do so.like i said i am learning to embrace this life and its lessons....
Friday, July 9, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
TOLERATING THE DEAR ONES...
am addicted to reading blogs about life and recently i came across a blog of a husband who was documenting his first days of marriage.it is very interesting as i ended up with a good laugh.anyway in one of his posts the guy goes to describe how he finds it hard to tolerate some things the wife does,he asks the million dollar question that got me thinking "Why are we the least tolerant with the people that mean the most to us??..."its paradoxical...but wait...
personally speaking,the people i love most have suffered under my impatience and my apparent strictness. they probably will give you the ghost stories,especially those who have been involved with me.anyway someone once said that familiarity breeds contempt, knowing someone all too well just makes them tick you off very easily.picture this,a stranger pisses you off,you stay calm,assume he probably dint know what he was doing.on the other hand, your beloved slips the wrong word and off you go about "oh you don't care","you are just like that","i wont let you do that"...e.t.c.
truth is we think we know the people around us so well till we leave no space to just listen to them,we think we know best,we know how they are.its that kind of thought that holds us from seeing it even when it was just an honest mistake.it stops us from seeing when they are really trying.the honest apologies they give pass us by as we continue to buy into the idea that they just don't care.sometimes they make an effort but since 'we know best' we miss seeing it yet maybe had we stopped to see it the anger we feel may have relinquished.
i am a criminal of this and while it may be hard to do at times,my impatience is slowly learning to be quiet(ok i admit am usually squabbling with it on the inside,you understand how it is)while i may not willingly take an excuse,at least i wait for it.what i may still be struggling with is the pre-determined thought of "oh you don't even mean that".works of art don't happen in a day,and noble character is built one step at a time, one less mistake at a time.
so there you have it, when the person closest to you just ticks you off,take a moment to not kill them,take that two seconds to at least speak with kindness(yeah i know it is hard as rock,but points given for effort)sometimes it is not going to happen but let those times be few.remember that this is a person close to you,someone you don't want to damage forever with your intentions/thoughts/words/actions.it may be your brother,sister,better half,best friend e.t.c whoever it is,you do want to take that time.
as for me,am still a work in progress.still trying to get it right.still fighting within but all the same what matters is am on that journey.of course some things will still remain intolerable and unacceptable but a little more patience before literally killing someone i truly treasure will save me a lot of damage....
.
dear friend,take you time today...take your time.
personally speaking,the people i love most have suffered under my impatience and my apparent strictness. they probably will give you the ghost stories,especially those who have been involved with me.anyway someone once said that familiarity breeds contempt, knowing someone all too well just makes them tick you off very easily.picture this,a stranger pisses you off,you stay calm,assume he probably dint know what he was doing.on the other hand, your beloved slips the wrong word and off you go about "oh you don't care","you are just like that","i wont let you do that"...e.t.c.
truth is we think we know the people around us so well till we leave no space to just listen to them,we think we know best,we know how they are.its that kind of thought that holds us from seeing it even when it was just an honest mistake.it stops us from seeing when they are really trying.the honest apologies they give pass us by as we continue to buy into the idea that they just don't care.sometimes they make an effort but since 'we know best' we miss seeing it yet maybe had we stopped to see it the anger we feel may have relinquished.
i am a criminal of this and while it may be hard to do at times,my impatience is slowly learning to be quiet(ok i admit am usually squabbling with it on the inside,you understand how it is)while i may not willingly take an excuse,at least i wait for it.what i may still be struggling with is the pre-determined thought of "oh you don't even mean that".works of art don't happen in a day,and noble character is built one step at a time, one less mistake at a time.
so there you have it, when the person closest to you just ticks you off,take a moment to not kill them,take that two seconds to at least speak with kindness(yeah i know it is hard as rock,but points given for effort)sometimes it is not going to happen but let those times be few.remember that this is a person close to you,someone you don't want to damage forever with your intentions/thoughts/words/actions.it may be your brother,sister,better half,best friend e.t.c whoever it is,you do want to take that time.
as for me,am still a work in progress.still trying to get it right.still fighting within but all the same what matters is am on that journey.of course some things will still remain intolerable and unacceptable but a little more patience before literally killing someone i truly treasure will save me a lot of damage....
.
dear friend,take you time today...take your time.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
APPRECIATION IS INVOLVEMENT.
"tell me I'll forget,show me i may remember,involve me and I'll understand"- anonymous
a group of us in church we recently discussed how things change when you involve yourself in them.the fact that you only appreciate something when you get involved in the making.before i was an usher i never knew the work that went into making a service happen but now i know.i appreciate every time i walk into the sanctuary and find things in place,i know someone spent time preparing it.
the only way to truly appreciate anything therefore is to get involved in it,for through involvement you gain understanding.when you try doing it yourself or walking someone in a journey,you too begin to see like they see, feel like they feel and hence understand them more intricately.
if someone is having a hard time appreciating something,try involving them in it,try walking them through it so that they may see like you see.someone thinks the work you do is easy,well try showing them what you do,if possible let them do it.chances are they will see just how it is for you.if they still don't see it involve them for a longer period,somethings do need time to understand.
the basic principle however is that there is hidden knowledge in involvement.there are some things that cannot be put into words hence experiencing them first hand is the only way to learn them and appreciate them.if you do not spend time involving yourself in something or at least trying to involve yourself in it,you may end up having trouble truly appreciating it.spending time on something trying to figure it out will eventually help you to figure it out.what do you want to appreciate?what do you want to understand?
have an involving day wont you....
Saturday, June 19, 2010
COMMITMENT ISSUES....
i was reading the newspaper on Saturday morning and i came across something very striking.apparently people in come we stay relationship marriages are happier for the obvious reason that there is no commitment.their marriages seemed to last longer than the average church married couple.well am not about o do counseling i just want to point out a peculiar finding.
the one thing that struck me is that the couples all confessed to living in fear if the other leaving them for someone else yet it was considered the biggest advantage to them,that they can walk in or out whenever they pleased.as i read it, it occurred to me that the things that are worth working for in life,be it a job,good grades,good friends,a good lifestyle,a happy home e.t.c all those things need a level of commitment, the higher it is the better the results.if you want to know just how passionate someone is toward something,just watch their commitment towards whatever that thing is. on the other hand we as human beings forget that commitment is a price we pay,not a gift we get. to be committed to one thing, one idea, one path means to forfeit another.
yes you may do something with just a little commitment,but the truth is that thing is not really worth it.it is not something you are scared of losing,it does not mean much to you.you will not forfeit your life for it and neither will its loss affect your life in a drastic manner.it does not hold a central place in your life and hence you are able to give it that 50% commitment.
it may be a painful truth for some people to hear but it is only through commitment and dedication to a certain cause that we can achieve it.i cannot imagine what life would be like if great people like Einstein were not committed to their work,what would we have?
my two cents are these,if you truly want to take something to the next level,if you want to experience its excellence,if you want to marvel at its beauty,then commit yourself to that cause.when you are committed,failure is not something you will take kindly and hence a spirit of excellence is born...for the couples that enjoy the come we stay,i would love to ask what is better,knowing the person you live with and love can walk out any day or knowing they are there no matter what.freedom from commitment is a lighter form of captivity in a world of second best and average.it never goes far.like Tom Flores once said "A total commitment is paramount to reaching the ultimate in performance." and as Frank Lloyd Wright also said "I know the price of success: dedication, hard work, and an unrelenting devotion to the things you want to see happen"
have a commitment filled week....
the one thing that struck me is that the couples all confessed to living in fear if the other leaving them for someone else yet it was considered the biggest advantage to them,that they can walk in or out whenever they pleased.as i read it, it occurred to me that the things that are worth working for in life,be it a job,good grades,good friends,a good lifestyle,a happy home e.t.c all those things need a level of commitment, the higher it is the better the results.if you want to know just how passionate someone is toward something,just watch their commitment towards whatever that thing is. on the other hand we as human beings forget that commitment is a price we pay,not a gift we get. to be committed to one thing, one idea, one path means to forfeit another.
yes you may do something with just a little commitment,but the truth is that thing is not really worth it.it is not something you are scared of losing,it does not mean much to you.you will not forfeit your life for it and neither will its loss affect your life in a drastic manner.it does not hold a central place in your life and hence you are able to give it that 50% commitment.
it may be a painful truth for some people to hear but it is only through commitment and dedication to a certain cause that we can achieve it.i cannot imagine what life would be like if great people like Einstein were not committed to their work,what would we have?
my two cents are these,if you truly want to take something to the next level,if you want to experience its excellence,if you want to marvel at its beauty,then commit yourself to that cause.when you are committed,failure is not something you will take kindly and hence a spirit of excellence is born...for the couples that enjoy the come we stay,i would love to ask what is better,knowing the person you live with and love can walk out any day or knowing they are there no matter what.freedom from commitment is a lighter form of captivity in a world of second best and average.it never goes far.like Tom Flores once said "A total commitment is paramount to reaching the ultimate in performance." and as Frank Lloyd Wright also said "I know the price of success: dedication, hard work, and an unrelenting devotion to the things you want to see happen"
have a commitment filled week....
Friday, June 18, 2010
OUR STRUGGLES...
so there we have it men struggle just as much as women do.their past has damaged their reputations and women no longer trust them as much as before.they constantly try to prove themselves,that they are good and those that went before them just made mistakes.they are made to apologize for the mistakes of their forefathers yet others are punished for sins committed.the good ones struggle the most trying to redefine manhood,to give it back the honor and integrity it has lost.they try to turn back the clock and seek forgiveness for the blood they shed and lives wasted.i cannot imagine that being easy for anyone to do but i will dare say it starts with one man.you decide what you want to be remembered for,chart a new path and find direction within the word of God.be right according to his word and the rest will find its way of coming back.let not the past define your future but be the man you desire to see.the past may have determined your present but not your future.go forth with courage and be the man you desire to be....
on the other hand there are women.you too have struggles and expectations from others to fulfill. the truth is,you are never going to be everyone's best friend-live with the few enemies there are.look at yourself through the eyes ogf the most high,be right according to his will and quit waiting for people to validate you and to say you are doing the right thing.use the gifts bestowed upon you to get as far as the earth ends,for those gifts were laid within you by the most high and DID NOT make a mistake placing them in you.he had a grand plan for it,go ahead and unlock it.at the end of the day so long as you smile at the results of your life and you have done what is right,do not loose sleep over those who intend to discourage you.look forth to the future with wisdom,love and courage.
its no longer a struggle but a winning road to the destiny defined by God for the human race.how he imagined us to be.that's the road we have now....
on the other hand there are women.you too have struggles and expectations from others to fulfill. the truth is,you are never going to be everyone's best friend-live with the few enemies there are.look at yourself through the eyes ogf the most high,be right according to his will and quit waiting for people to validate you and to say you are doing the right thing.use the gifts bestowed upon you to get as far as the earth ends,for those gifts were laid within you by the most high and DID NOT make a mistake placing them in you.he had a grand plan for it,go ahead and unlock it.at the end of the day so long as you smile at the results of your life and you have done what is right,do not loose sleep over those who intend to discourage you.look forth to the future with wisdom,love and courage.
its no longer a struggle but a winning road to the destiny defined by God for the human race.how he imagined us to be.that's the road we have now....
Monday, June 14, 2010
MY STRUGGLES AS A WOMAN....
the post of struggles of a man was really good,i thought i would shed some light on the flip side,thereafter i will combine the two and see where both men and women can begin winning instead of struggling.hopefully i shall speak for a good number of women out there...
---------
as a woman i struggle ...
i struggle to speak for i was socialized to be meek,quiet end silent
when i spoke of my dissatisfaction i was called disrespectful
i was seen to disobey 'my place as a woman'
yet on the other hand they blamed me for my silence
said it was the reason i had my troubles
said i should have stood up for myself
they left me for the dead and say i caused it by being quiet,
did i really?
i struggle to speak...
as a woman i struggle...
i struggle to fit,
when i had no money,no job,...just babies
they said i was a burden,a dependent
that i drained their accounts,had no value
that i could not think,
my children were told that they were foolish like me,
i was left for a more intelligent woman,an independent one...
when i came top of my class,
graduated with first class honors,
had a job that got me a guzzler
a beautiful home and maintained me
they called me 'miss independent',
said i was not fit to be a mother,a wife or a companion,
i wonder who fits?
i struggle to fit...
as a woman i struggle...
i struggle to show emotion.
they use to say,no woman,no cry,
my tears were a bother to them,
they said i was weak and incapable of strength,
they ostracized me for i could not hold them inside
when i toughened up,showed no emotion
they said i was feeling less,
i was not a woman,but a man in the making
i was not capable of consoling or being approached,
my function was no more.
what was i in society?
i struggle to feel...
as a woman i struggle to remain level headed,
to unite two warring nations
i know i am capable of getting through the 'glass ceiling'
but whenever i show capability
i am accused of wanting too much
being too daring,taking a man's space
when i relax and no longer chase my dreams
i automatically become the boring wife
who is left for the more ambitious secretary
seemingly she is more interesting
her ambitions make her good company
wasn't i like that till you killed my dreams?
i struggle to define my boundaries.
as a woman i struggle...
i struggle with the expectations,
they want me to hold a full time job
assist them to provide
yet they expect me to maintain a home by myself
if i employ a helper,then i must be lazy
if i ask for help,"what kind of a woman are you?"
is the question i receive
i struggle to meet all their needs
for i have been threatened time and time again
that i would be left for a more able woman
i struggle to meet your expectations.
i struggle to be me,
to live to my full potential,exploiting my abilities
to be the good person i truly am without fingers pointing
to be free from the chains and the unfair
double standards given to me
i struggle with many more things
but as a woman i guess i struggle most
trying to be me in a world
that does not want me to be me.
i do not want to be a traditionalist
neither do i want to subscribe to feminism,no
i just want to be a woman, a
a capable woman,...
yours truly,....
---------
as a woman i struggle ...
i struggle to speak for i was socialized to be meek,quiet end silent
when i spoke of my dissatisfaction i was called disrespectful
i was seen to disobey 'my place as a woman'
yet on the other hand they blamed me for my silence
said it was the reason i had my troubles
said i should have stood up for myself
they left me for the dead and say i caused it by being quiet,
did i really?
i struggle to speak...
as a woman i struggle...
i struggle to fit,
when i had no money,no job,...just babies
they said i was a burden,a dependent
that i drained their accounts,had no value
that i could not think,
my children were told that they were foolish like me,
i was left for a more intelligent woman,an independent one...
when i came top of my class,
graduated with first class honors,
had a job that got me a guzzler
a beautiful home and maintained me
they called me 'miss independent',
said i was not fit to be a mother,a wife or a companion,
i wonder who fits?
i struggle to fit...
as a woman i struggle...
i struggle to show emotion.
they use to say,no woman,no cry,
my tears were a bother to them,
they said i was weak and incapable of strength,
they ostracized me for i could not hold them inside
when i toughened up,showed no emotion
they said i was feeling less,
i was not a woman,but a man in the making
i was not capable of consoling or being approached,
my function was no more.
what was i in society?
i struggle to feel...
as a woman i struggle to remain level headed,
to unite two warring nations
i know i am capable of getting through the 'glass ceiling'
but whenever i show capability
i am accused of wanting too much
being too daring,taking a man's space
when i relax and no longer chase my dreams
i automatically become the boring wife
who is left for the more ambitious secretary
seemingly she is more interesting
her ambitions make her good company
wasn't i like that till you killed my dreams?
i struggle to define my boundaries.
as a woman i struggle...
i struggle with the expectations,
they want me to hold a full time job
assist them to provide
yet they expect me to maintain a home by myself
if i employ a helper,then i must be lazy
if i ask for help,"what kind of a woman are you?"
is the question i receive
i struggle to meet all their needs
for i have been threatened time and time again
that i would be left for a more able woman
i struggle to meet your expectations.
i struggle to be me,
to live to my full potential,exploiting my abilities
to be the good person i truly am without fingers pointing
to be free from the chains and the unfair
double standards given to me
i struggle with many more things
but as a woman i guess i struggle most
trying to be me in a world
that does not want me to be me.
i do not want to be a traditionalist
neither do i want to subscribe to feminism,no
i just want to be a woman, a
a capable woman,...
yours truly,....
MY STRUGGLES AS A MAN...
OK,you guys know i am a lady but i found this piece by a man named Maik Kwambo to be a very eye opening piece.we struggle,as men as women,as children as saints.here is what he says of his struggles as a man....
my struggles as a man…
they keep me from self actualization and wholeness
I have an inability to communicate my emotions
I have been socialized to suppress them
the only form of communication I know is aggression
I feel silenced when frustrated, disappointed, sad or lonely
because I cannot identify what it is I am feeling
I do not know how to express it constructively
probably this is the reason I speak in slang’
because without an emotional outlet I feel like a mute person
a mute person trying to speak a foreign language
I am expected to live up to the myth..
the sex athlete myth…
to most of my peers it is not a challenge
they probably think it is a right of passage
or the natural order of the universe
sadly this is a creation of society
too many of my peers have bought into this myth
and have the seeds of their misdeeds scattered nationwide
others have succumbed to the ravages of deadly STD’s
but still…inferior are those who are not athletes in bed
for their sexuality shall always be questioned
and aspersions cast on the size of their manhood
as a man I have to struggle to be the moneybags man
the moneybags man is all so powerful…
he has money…power…influence…
resultantly his doors open up effortlessly
me…I have to put up with the everyday world
dead end jobs…internal discontent…heartbreak…
spend months trying to woo the apple of my eye for a night out on the town…and then she refuses
this struggle to prove I am as good as mister moneybags is all too time and energy consuming
I struggle to paint a positive picture of men
but all around me the ladies retort…
“I don’t need a man in my life…”
I cannot blame them for these remarks
in my world…many men have not been raised to be men
they have been raised to be males
being a man is much more than pissing standing up…
it’s about integrity…responsibility…
honesty when it’s not the easy way out
being a man is treating people like human beings…like equals…
I struggle to be a positive role model
these are my struggles as a man
-----------------
i will write a response to this soon enough...
do add a struggle if any or agree with the writer,your thoughts are appreciated,i wont suppress them
my struggles as a man…
they keep me from self actualization and wholeness
I have an inability to communicate my emotions
I have been socialized to suppress them
the only form of communication I know is aggression
I feel silenced when frustrated, disappointed, sad or lonely
because I cannot identify what it is I am feeling
I do not know how to express it constructively
probably this is the reason I speak in slang’
because without an emotional outlet I feel like a mute person
a mute person trying to speak a foreign language
I am expected to live up to the myth..
the sex athlete myth…
to most of my peers it is not a challenge
they probably think it is a right of passage
or the natural order of the universe
sadly this is a creation of society
too many of my peers have bought into this myth
and have the seeds of their misdeeds scattered nationwide
others have succumbed to the ravages of deadly STD’s
but still…inferior are those who are not athletes in bed
for their sexuality shall always be questioned
and aspersions cast on the size of their manhood
as a man I have to struggle to be the moneybags man
the moneybags man is all so powerful…
he has money…power…influence…
resultantly his doors open up effortlessly
me…I have to put up with the everyday world
dead end jobs…internal discontent…heartbreak…
spend months trying to woo the apple of my eye for a night out on the town…and then she refuses
this struggle to prove I am as good as mister moneybags is all too time and energy consuming
I struggle to paint a positive picture of men
but all around me the ladies retort…
“I don’t need a man in my life…”
I cannot blame them for these remarks
in my world…many men have not been raised to be men
they have been raised to be males
being a man is much more than pissing standing up…
it’s about integrity…responsibility…
honesty when it’s not the easy way out
being a man is treating people like human beings…like equals…
I struggle to be a positive role model
these are my struggles as a man
-----------------
i will write a response to this soon enough...
do add a struggle if any or agree with the writer,your thoughts are appreciated,i wont suppress them
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